Friday, November 19, 2010

Relationships.. Heal Or Leave..

It very easy to get into a relationship, but when the relationship begins having major challenges, goes sour and you don't know what to do, then your decisions become much more difficult..

Whether you decide you want to stay with your partner and begin working to revitalize your relationship or to move on, here are some strategies and ideas to help you move forward in a more empowering way..

It seems that everywhere you look, many long-standing relationships and/or marriages are troubled or dissolving.. If you're like most people, when this happens, you find yourself stuck in thinking about the past, wondering what went wrong, and unable to move from the pain of the relationship.. It doesn't matter whether you leave, stay or were left-one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to leave the past behind and not carry old “baggage” into the new life you would like to have..

We have each been through the break-up of a major, long-standing relationship and have come to appreciate those times in our lives- even though both divorces were very painful.. We each, in our own ways, learned how to begin healing by not burying our feelings and to start moving toward what we wanted most in our lives instead of living in the past..

If you've been living with the question of whether to stay or go for any length of time you have undoubtedly experienced a great deal of painful feelings surrounding the challenges of this relationship..

It's important to learn from the past but it's equally as important to not stay stuck in it.. Whether you have decided to stay or leave, you have to move forward as if you are starting fresh with a brand new relationship.. What I'm about to share with you are the five keys that  are the most important to help move you from your past to healing and start you on your way to creating a new, more vibrant life..

Key 1: Never look at a relationship (or anything else) that hasn't so far worked out as a failure

Often it's the seed of a current or past “failure” that fuels you to the very success that you've always dreamed of.. It sounds trite, but there's always something you can learn from every experience..

Past relationships give you a clearer picture of what you want and what you don't want in a relationship if you take the time to examine them.. It's the power of contrast that living in an unfulfilling relationship may give you..

After a break-up, one should realized what this relationship had taught him/her and that it wasn't a “failure..” This relationship had helped him/her to define the type of partner he/she would really resonate with--someone who was on a similar spiritual path, someone she could have a deep connection with, and someone who loved to be with groups of people..

What I've learned is that if a relationship isn't working out, it is not a bad thing or a failure that our society likes to label it.. It just may be that you have learned what it is that you were supposed to learn by being in a relationship with that other person and it's time to move on to other “lessons..”

I'm not suggesting that you take your relationships lightly and throw them away at the first sign of conflict--Quite the contrary.. What I'm saying is that the purpose of all relationships is to help us to grow.. Even the relationships that are the most troubling to us can be gifts in learning more about ourselves.. Those people who really get under our skin can be our best teachers.. I suggest that you look at all of your relationships as growth experiences and move forward consciously by learning from them..

Here are some questions to help you with this:

* What did I learn about myself by being in a relationship with this person?

* How did it help me to move forward and heal, learn and grow?

* What new beliefs did I take on or let go of as a result of being in a particular relationship?

Key 2: Turn from the past and look toward the future … YOUR future

Sometimes after a separation or during the process of rebuilding a relationship, we find ourselves dwelling in the past, our thoughts consumed with that other person and past events.. You will begin to heal when you start thinking and writing about what you want for your life--today and in the future..

I've found out that the key to moving forward in your new life is to figure out what you want your new life to look like and you can start small-but start..

Here are some ideas that can help you with this process:

* If you or your partner left your relationship, remove photos of your past partner that are prominently positioned in your house (You don't have to destroy them.. Just put them away..)

* If you're staying in the same house that you and your partner shared, move the furniture and put some different things on the walls.. Different inexpensive items that are “you” can really help you to move from your past into your present and future.. Even if you are revitalizing your relationship, clear out some clutter together and you won't believe how that will help..

* Sign up for a class that will get you physically active-yoga, Tai Chi, martial arts, aerobics, swimming, tennis, dancing.. Get your body moving! When you get your body moving, endorphins are released into your bloodstream that help you to feel more positive and uplifted..

* If you are on your own, find a support group-people who will not support you in being a victim or rehash why you left, but groups who will stimulate you into new thought and new ideas..

* If you are revitalizing your relationship, taking a class together at your local university, church or community center can help steer you in new directions together.. Also thinking about setting and implementing new goals for yourselves and for your relationship will create movement which in turn creates healing..

Key 3: Take 100% responsibility for the relationship -no more and no less

When a relationship experiences challenges, very often we want to assign fault and blame.. When you are in a healthy relationship with another person, both people are equally responsible for the relationship.. If a relationship isn't working, the same thing applies.. No matter who appears to be at fault when challenges come up, both people are responsible..

If you are taking more than your share of your responsibility for the relationship not working out the way you would like, you are being a martyr.. If you take less than 100% responsibility for the relationship not working out, you are being a victim.. You can only heal when you have let go of “fault” and “blame” and focus on letting go of the past and how you can do it differently in the future..

This can be a very difficult process if you are hanging on to the need to be right, anger, judgments and unexpressed resentments- especially if you feel your partner hasn't or won't take any responsibility for the health of the relationship..

Forgiving and forgetting may seem to be beyond reality for you now.. It's like if someone says to you, “Don't think of the color blue” “Don't think of the color blue” “Don't think of the color blue,” no matter how hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking about the color blue..

The same thing happens when you try to “forget” a negative situation that has an emotional charge to it.. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to do it.. We believe that instead of forgiving and forgetting, you have to forgive and let go..

Many people wanting to know how they can forgive when they have been wronged--a spouse cheated on them; they've been abused in one way or another; or maybe their feelings have been hurt and they don't feel loved or valued.. What we can find is actually that the process of healing oneself when a relationship has ended or when a relationship is given a “second chance” requires more than forgiveness.. You must also let go..

But let go of what?

In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another.. The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past fear..

So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship.. I suggest that you let go of negativity and attachments by deciding to drop them-by deciding that you no longer want to carry and live with the pain and suffering that you have been living.. Decide that you deserve the happiness that you want..

Key 4: Learn from the patterns of the past.. Stay conscious in all your relationships so that you won't repeat the same mistakes

One woman I know is trying to do it differently after several relationships that ended.. She is opening her heart to the possibilities of having the type of relationship that she has wanted but has somehow, up until now, eluded her.. She is starting a new relationship without expectations and is just focusing on being real, authentic and being true to herself.. She's not playing any of the roles she's played in the past as she enters this relationship.. There is a different feeling within her about this relationship because of it.. She is letting go of some of the destructive ways she has interacted with other partners in the past..

This is the first relationship that she has been honest about whether she wants to go somewhere with her partner or not.. In the past, she would always agree to go wherever her mate wanted to go because she wanted to please him rather than please herself.. After doing this for a period of time, she would lose sight of who she was and what she wanted and resentment would build.. Now, she is just allowing herself to open to the possibility of something wonderful happening and being herself in the relationship..

It is suggested that the first step in healing any pattern that is a challenge for you or causing you pain is to become aware of what you are feeling within your body when you experiencing the issue..

For example:
Susie had the pattern of not speaking her truth when there was conflict in past relationships.. When she and Otto came together, she wanted to stop that pattern because unspoken words and feelings would always turn into resentment and create walls with her previous husband.. She became aware that she felt a fluttery, sick feeling in her solar plexus and stomach when she didn't speak her truth and held back words.. With Otto, she came to recognize those feelings, honor them and allow herself to speak the words she was holding back..

The first step to creating any change is awareness and allowing yourself to notice what's going on in your body--whether it's tightness in your chest, neck pain, headache or nervousness in your stomach.. Go back in your mind.. When did you notice you would have these sensations in previous relationships? Susie traced her feelings and inability to speak her truth to her childhood.. Ask yourself, where did this feeling come from, who was there and what was the situation?

In a new relationship, as well as an old one, it's very important to differentiate what has happened in the past from what is happening now.. Your feelings can guide you to uncovering your patterns and to creating healthier ways of being in your relationships..

Step 5: Give thanks for the lessons that you learned and change your attitude

Haven't many of us been told or maybe we've “learned” that relationships were hard and filled with misery? We're here to suggest that it doesn't have to be that way.. You can decide to have the relationships that you want and “to make up your own state of mind..”

As painful as it is to hear, the truth is that everything in your life (including your relationships) is a result of the choices you have made up until now.. If you don't like the circumstances in your life or relationships, decide to make other choices..

This could mean changing your attitude.. It can mean focusing on what you like about your partner instead of what you don't like.. It could mean opening up to bring new people into your life.. It could mean deciding to be a better person in your relationships..

Whatever your challenges are, only you can decide to take one step forward toward having the relationships and the life you want.. If you are having challenges moving on from your previous relationship, we suggest you start by honoring that person as a teacher, here to help you on your journey.. When you find yourself feeling the victim or blaming the other person, change that thought to love and send it to him/her.. Sooner or later you will actually be able to give thanks for the lessons that that person taught you..

Giving gratitude for your relationship and your life, whether you have stayed or left, will be positive movement to what you want in life.. Change your attitude and you will change your life..

If you don't have the kind of relationship or the life that you really want, chances are excellent that there is one of two things standing between you and having what you want-- either there are things that you are not willing to do in order to have what you want or you are holding onto beliefs that are keeping you stuck..

We know from our own experience that when we have held onto limiting thoughts and beliefs, such as “I can't… or I could never…”, we remained stuck.. It wasn't until we opened ourselves to possibilities and changed our beliefs about those situations that we were able to move forward with those goals and heal..

Whether you have decided to stay in your relationship or leave it, we invite you to change your thinking, create positive thoughts and take some action that will help you to create the life that you want.. As you read through this article, you probably thought of some ways to move forward.. I now invite you to take this opportunity to move past your fears and start moving toward the relationships and life that you really want..

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