Thursday, May 28, 2009

Motives In Life..

I've been having these conversations with my friends.. Listening to what they're trying to achieve, what road are they on and loads of other stuff.. It just got me thinking.. Where am I? What the hell am I doing here.. I need to regain my self-esteem again.. Now that I've quit my studies temporarily, I need to focus on things that matters.. And so I've come up with a list..

1. I wanna lose some weight.. Not 10, not 20, but at least 30.. I don't wanna stay in this 3 digit margin anymore.. Losing more than 10 would've suffice for that purpose.. But I'm not gonna stop there.. So, 30 would be the magic number.. It'll return me to the days where I used to play basketball and hopefully, the days where optimism filled me..

2. Body building.. Yeah.. That's the way.. Soon after I'll lose all those extra baggage, I'm gonna start to bulk up my muscles.. I already have broad shoulders to begin with.. So why not try to pump up these flabby muscles.. I still remember a few days ago.. I went to Alamanda Putrajaya.. Went to the arcade.. There was a punching machine.. The highest (heaviest) punch was 100kg.. Mine was only 96kg.. Arm strength is not the only important aspect in punching.. The motion, and steps are also important.. Hit hard, hit fast! If I can't even protect myself, how can I protect those I care about.. So, it can be concluded as, learning self defense as I bulk up..

3. Over the last few months.. Last few years actually.. I've been getting comments, more like complaints of why I'm using my intelligence in a proper way.. I've been using my brain to sneak out out late at night, to achieve my desires, and just to do what I want.. It's true that my mom's been nagging at me.. But I don't start doing something productive, all these annoying nags won't stop.. So, as I've accomplished the top 2 in my list, I'm gonna continue my studies.. By then, I'll be more determined than ever.. Not gonna repeat the same mistakes again.. And hell I'm not gonna wait anymore..

In everything that's good, there's evil hiding inside.. And in everything evil, there's always a glimpse of faith.. A small hope.. A small glimpse of light within never ending darkness..

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I Just Don't Get It..

I am seriously fucked up with my mom.. Yeah she's been a bitch all these while.. Growing up, she was never there to see.. Even when I'm down, she was never there.. And when she was, she was never supportive at all.. And now, even worse, every time something went wrong in this house, I would get blamed for it.. Simple reason : I was the only one at home.. What kind of a bullshit reason is that? Just because I am home doesn't mean that I was the one who did it.. Several times already she lost something and she found it back because she misplaced it..

I still remember.. I did something wrong and I was forced to promise not to do it again after saying sorry.. Why can't she do the same? I don't think she's superior to me in any way at all.. Every human being are equals.. It doesn't matter whether he's the prime minister or even president of the universe.. You eat, you breath, you sleep.. You get shot, you bleed, you die.. Everyone is the same..

The question remained.. Well, at least now I know all the source of my problems already.. Parents that were never there when you needed them.. Growing up alone.. Being taught to be selfish by my own family, in the end, I'm the one being selfish to them..

Friday, May 8, 2009

Just Some Thoughts..

Love is just a type of feeling.. Although feelings are human weakest point, that's where we were always striken.. Hate causes war, murders, and destruction of one's race.. So does excessive love.. It will cause craziness, uneasiness and furthermore, sadness..

"The moment u felt true love, you love someone with all u have, understand their frailty and accepting who they are without ever noticing their weakness while noticing their good side.. However, the moment you fell blindly in love with someone, you'd thought of him/her being so perfect that you fail to notice their good and bad behaviors because you are drunk with this ecstasy that you think about yourself".. These are words conveyed by my heart, when my mind are still sane, to quickly end this weird "hunger" or obsession that always accompany my life lately..

Love is never blind.. It's to be blind by their weakness.. Not their mistakes.. Yes people make mistakes.. I understand that.. As an imperfect person, even I make mistakes.. But the difference between me and her was, I tried to mend my mistakes.. Tried to make things right again even for a little while.. Never once do I run from conflicts..

And at the same time, I'm really longing for someone special.. Someone I can hold in my arms.. Someone who would comfort me when I'm down.. Someone to listen to.. Someone to talk to.. Someone to share all my joys and tears